I’m already nervous about waking up to the news tomorrow so I’m just ignoring the fact that 2020 might be winding up to a truly spectacular Knock Out Round. I can sense it there in the tunnel of tomorrow, limbering up in a shiny pair of shorts with a towel round its neck. What if this godforsaken misshapen beast of a year is even now hopping lightly from foot to foot to the sound of the roaring chaos outside? What if it’s doing practise punches - left-right-left! - and sucking on its gumshield? Oh god.

I really like Halloween. I remember as a kid being just giddy every year that two such brilliant things could happen within days of each other - Halloween, and then, 5 days later - Bonfire Night.

For weeks now I have been held in a web of neighbour-induced rage. What with the imminent not-being-able-to-leave-my-flat-for-a-month, it has now come to a head. It’s telephonic, the problem, in every sense. First, because it involves telephones. Second, because I’m surrounded by it. Is that what telephonic means? Whatever, what I’m saying is there’s this one neighbour who spends all day arguing on the phone in the flat next door to me, and there’s another neighbour who spends all night talking on the phone in the corridor right outside my door.

I should almost certainly have something profound to offer in this, the Last Day of Lockdown Post, but if this blog has been about anything, profundity is not it. I’m not about to start now.

Do you know what I love about hangovers? And by “hangover” I am referring to a very specific brand of hangover - not the one that fills you with existential dread, nor the one where you’re convinced all your friends have realised why they should hate you forever, and are spending their day texting each other about it.

9h : Woke up exhausted because of a night full of long dreams that were basically quite boring but with the occasional highlight to keep me from losing all interest in my own subconscious. At one point I was looking out from a small cove at the back of “my sister’s house” over a dramatic, craggy, night-time seascape (brightly lit by a full moon, obviously). There were about five pirate ships locked in a battle and one of them was in flames and all I could think to say to my sister was, “Imagine having your friends round and a barbecue out here that’d be amazing!” Stand aside Freud. At this point you could present me with a pirate battle to the death and all I would care about is when I get to eat a burger with other humans.

9h30 : Woke up to an email from Etsy saying that my niece’s birthday present has arrived. Only three weeks late - not bad for me. Briefly flash back to the fact that I sent her a birthday card that declared “You’re Five Today!” when in fact she was four. So all round we start with a great slew of aunt-related achievements.