Lockdown in Paris : Day Twenty-Three
9h50 : Got up, made a cup of tea and went straight out onto the balcony to write up my Kings and Queens homework but neatly, because somewhere inside us we are all seven years old with a new notebook and different colour pens and a sense that this time it’s going to be perfect.
11h30 : Asked my oldest friend how home-schooling was going with her two littl’uns and she said school was out for the summer. I applauded this stance heartily. She told me they’re making chocolate nests today, “My absolute favourite thing about Easter.” A follow-up text swiftly followed. “Apart from Jesus rising from the dead obviously.” Oh yes, obviously. Ro and I were raised in the same Catholic church, which we all know as Eddie’s (though I imagine he would have preferred St. Edward’s) and then we attended the same Catholic schools and colleges all the way up. When we met I was 2, and she was 3, and our mums played violin and sang in the church band and when we were old enough to entertain ourselves during band practice we would fly paper aeroplanes from the organ loft. Later, around about this time of year, we’d be getting wary about Good Friday Mass, which lasted roughly 12 days. The priest would go through the stations of the cross and then we would process to the front of the church to self-consciously kiss a tiny Jesus’ crucified feet, which were held out to us by the priest and wiped between each bowing kisser with a white cloth. I can still hear Father Cupit intoning “You may stand” and then, after much recitation, “You may kneel”, a cycle which was seemingly repeated for all 26-hours of the service. I like Easter though. The Easter story makes sense to me, from a human perspective. It is - whatever your beliefs - an absolutely incredible story. Which is good because it’s basically the whole point of Christianity so if you’re going to “get” one bit of it, I figure that’s the bit to get.
12h47 : There’s a worrying trend towards total nnnnghhhhhh about everything today, and I’m really hoping it’s short-lived because it’s very, very boring. I don’t seem to be able to drum up any enthusiasm for anything except staring into space, and I can’t say I’m particularly enthusiastic about that. I realised a few minutes ago that in my mind's eye I was lying on the floor staring at the ceiling, (in the manner of my diagram back in the heady days of Doing Stuff), because I think this is how my brain feels. Just - out of ideas. Void of effort. I think the psychological state I hate above all others is Total Disinterest in All Things. There’s just not much getting around it because everything you think of to do is met with the same half-hearted response, just: nah. I haven’t really eaten anything today (can’t be bothered), I’ve read one chapter of my book (not interested), watched a YouTube video that I wasn’t in any way interested in and yet stared at for almost an hour, sat in the sun while feeling fractious, can’t bring myself to go to the shop (ugh) and flatly refuse to do the washing up (just, no). And of course I can’t distract myself from not wanting to do anything because anything I think of doing I am not at all interested in doing. This is a terrible state of affairs. All I can hope is that other people are experiencing the same chronic lack of inspiration.
14h13 : Music. I will try music. Maybe this will somehow change the gear in my brain from nnggggghhhhhh to yeah let’s wash up let’s learn something let’s…. Well honestly in my current state I can’t even imagine what it might come up with besides collapsing in a heap.
14h40 : Well at least I managed the washing up.
15h30 : Had a hunch so checked where the moon’s at and it’s 99.9% full, so that pretty much explains everything. I know, I know, but all I can honestly say is that when I’m feeling inert and/or existentially weird I check the moon situation and find more often than not that it’s full. Frankly this has happened too many times to be coincidence so I just go with it. After all it is the moon - it kind of has a hand in everything so I’m quite willing to believe we’re not immune to its celestial whims. Anyway it’s a damn sight closer to the mark than my horoscope, which today tells me, “Your enthusiasm will be restored” which LITERALLY COULDN’T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH, SUSAN. In conclusion, I am quite content to be a self-confessed lunatic.
17h24 : Decided to do a facemask because apparently self-care is something we should all be doing and since that so far for me has translated to gin and tonics and wine I thought I’d branch out a bit.
18h20 : Impromptu video call arranged. Everyone involved discusses dipping into their '“Quiz wine” already stored for Friday night, so I finally (and gratefully) have a solid enough reason to go to the shop. It’s weird how leaving your home suddenly seems to be a dramatic event. Getting my bag ready I am aware that my heart is beating more quickly, that I am preparing for something unusual - and how strange that reality is. Places that are so familiar to me - the corridor outside, the terracotta tiles, the staircase, the courtyard, the street - are suddenly alien, and the whole process is just disconcerting and strange. I am not used to feeling nervous, to having nervousness thrust upon me, but that’s how I feel.
18h40 : Back from the shop I check my post box, thinking there will be nothing in it because there never is, except there is. It’s a photo-card from Brenda-of-Castel, and I look at it all the way up the five flights of stairs - me, Sar and her mum all hugged together after a few G&Ts here in Paris - and I feel revived by it, and a bit more connected, and just very, very lucky to know human beings that would think to do such a lovely thing.
19h30 : Faces make you feel better, so thank god for video calls. It may be a mad full moon but it’s nothing that familiar faces and white wine can’t fix.
21h : Video call done, and everything looks better. I need to eat something other than white wine, so that’s my next plan. If today’s post feels fractious and chaotic, it’s because today was fractious and chaotic - how was yours? Might I suggest you blame the full moon?
